I have an unhealthy addiction to weight loss. I literally go through life daily thinking about my weight and how I can be smaller. This blog will take you on a journey of my thoughts, my struggles, and ultimately - my successes.
During my twenties, I've been on a roller coaster of weight. My weight has been up and down over the past seven or eight years. I've done some reflecting and the one thing I can say is that I never accepted myself at any weight. I felt like I could always have a smaller waist line, a flat stomach, smaller breast, or proportioned legs - regardless of my size I was always trying to change something. I've heard people say that the things you focus on in life will intensify. For example, if you think you have a big head, you begin to focus on it, obsess over it if you will, and your main focus (regardless of whether it's related) becomes your big head. You start to think that it's all other people can see and you react accordingly. Eventually, you end up going out of your way to make accommodations for your big head. In the process, you've forgotten all about the rest of your life and you're unnecessarily stressed out about your head. In short, that's exactly what has happen to me. I have let my thoughts with weight consume me - because of that I am reprogramming my weight loss plan. My number one goal is to be comfortable in the skin I am currently in - all 152 pounds of it. I will continue to eat healthy and work out as a part of my plan. The difference now is that I'm learning to love me just as I am. That's the Secret! Adios!
I bring you warm Salutations from my third day of being trapped by the snow storm. Last week I discovered that I had randomly gained 5 pounds. I went absolutely ballistic! I couldn't believe it! Now grant it I hadn't been on the scale since December 18th - that day I was 12 pounds down! Whewhewwwww! I can't explain the increasingly warm and fuzzy feeling I felt on that day! If you think falling in love gives you butterflies - losing weight makes you feel like you're in a constant state of utter bliss - a true Euphoria! I loved that feeling so much I avoided the scale for an entire six weeks which just so happened to be . . ."The Holiday Season!" I went home to California, took a trip to Las Vegas and was still very cautious of my weight goals. I went running every day while in the golden state (a time period of almost two weeks) and refrained from the creams, pastries, fats etc. However, I have no idea how well my plan worked because I never took the assessment - getting on the scale. I took variations of that same plan to Vegas (C'mon its Vegas) and even received compliments from my BFF who saw me at my most concerning and eye opening weight. After Vegas, I felt good, I looked good - so after much coxing from my mother and compliments from friends, family, co-workers, and even my students - I decided to face it - the scale. As I re-live that day - I don't even know if there are words to describe my pain. I was broken-hearted, lost, discouraged, empty, furious, guilty, and disappointed all at the same time. I felt like I'd just sent my daughter off to college and then discovered a pair of clear heels in her luggage while she returned home for winter break. I was devastated! I called my BFF and we came up with a plan (this sounds like a crazy plan but in her defense she did not feel like my circumstances were severe enough to implement it) - the Fruit & Veggie Diet. All you do is eat fruits and vegetables for a specified amount of time. I did it for a week and lost 2.5 pounds. I was semi-happy but still longed to see those December 18th magic numbers - 147. Losing weight is an arduous process. I've been up and I've been down. My motivation is gradually dwindling. I starved myself for a week only to be stuck in the house for four days due to a ridiculous snow storm - I got on the scale this morning (and I have been eating healthy since I've been home but I got cabin fever yesterday and walked 1.5 miles to CVS to get junk food and I definitely overdid it) and gained 2 pounds - sigh. Now, while I'm sure most of this is water retention (because I had way too much salt) I still can't help but feeling like crap. I don't know what to do - continue on my own or reach for help. Any suggestions? Is anyone even reading this? Sigh. . . .and on top of all that my street still isn't plowed - I heard PG County ran out of funds for snow removal.
I am obsessed with weight! All my life (regardless of my size) I've always wanted to be smaller and thinner. I've never been happy with my size. As a direct result of that I have developed an unhealthy obsession with weight. Like SWV said "It's always on my mind, all the time - thinking of it". I can honestly say I have been pursing weight loss relentlessly for most of my twenties. My former weights have been 123, 129, 130, 135, 140 and (my highest weight ever) 159! It appears to me as though my "obsession" has not assisted me one bit in the weight loss process. It has however, stressed me out, caused me to gain more weight, and has made all of my friends, family, and some co - workers tell me to SHUT - UP! Well, I agree. From now on, I choose to find a new and healthy obsession! I will continue to lose weight but refuse to obsess about it! I am beautiful! I am going to be content with where I am while actively striving for where I want to be! It's not a competition but ultimately, I will win this race! I'm thinking about dancing for my new obsession - any suggestions?